


wearing your heart on your sleeve is a good way to lose it entirely

by bluejaysaxon



Category: Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, Gen, one could say it's there or one could say it isn't, the romantic relationship part is very debatable, though they certainly do care about each other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-15
Updated: 2018-05-22
Packaged: 2019-03-31 20:45:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 4,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13983009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluejaysaxon/pseuds/bluejaysaxon
Summary: "how can you trust a demon?""well, how can you trust an angel? after all, we were just like you once."as of 8/8/18, this work is abandoned and will not be finished





	1. i'm not entirely trustworthy; but then again, is anyone else?

**Author's Note:**

> more kin-themed free verse writing
> 
> parts in italics represent dialogue/actual story snippets, they aren't necessarily connected to the main little drabble

_“poetry and love are more than just hitting enter on a keyboard until you get the format you want,” he says. “poetry requires a certain amount of_ _class_ _. and love… love is a wild thing, not something i normally get involved with.”_

_“get bent, dear angel,” i say. “poetry doesn’t always follow a format. though i have to agree with you on love.”_

* * *

 

don’t ever give your heart to an angel

especially if you’re a demon

(well, if demons have hearts that is, i wouldn’t exactly know for sure; maybe it depends on the demon)

if an angel gives his heart to _you_ , on the other hand...

well then,

just be careful with it, dear

that angel must really love you if he hands over something that’s not even his

i mean,

don't angels have to be careful when it comes to vices and temptation?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> from crowley's pov  
> just something short to get this started


	2. is this plan really ineffable, or am i just being lied to?

_“crowley, what in god’s name are you doing?”_

_“just trust me, angel, i’ve got a plan for all of this.”_

* * *

angels don’t ordinarily trust demons

especially not on matters like these

and they certainly don’t just hand over their hearts to them

no, that would be ridiculous

(well, maybe not really)

not some angels

me, though…

well, let’s just say that it’s all according to plan

and the lord knows that i must obey the orders i'm given

though, i must say

i don’t think loving him was part of my orders

(but i'm doing it anyway)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's aziraphale's pov here
> 
> bouncing between the two characters is kinda fun


	3. sometimes bad things happen to bad people, or more accurately, the cars of bad people

_ “i am truly sorry about your car, crowley.” _

_ “but you’re okay though, right angel?” _

_ “...crowley?” _

_ “i asked you a question, aziraphale. answer it.” _

_ “yes, my dear, i’m okay.” _

_ “...good.” _

 

* * *

demons are of the same original stock as angels, love

we’re just the ones who took a side

so it would be unwise to underestimate us

(or more accurately, don’t underestimate a demon who gave his heart to an angel

even though he really shouldn’t have done that

but he did anyway

so here we are)

though if you were to ask me,

demons aren't the ones you should fear

i've seen what an angel can do

(but we're not even half as creative as humans are when it comes down to it)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a more accurate title for this could be "this is why you don't let angels borrow your car"


	4. they'll sing a hymn for that fragile glass heart of yours

_“normally i’d say that if you can’t beat them, join them; somehow that doesn’t feel like the right choice of words though.”_

_“you have no idea how right you are.”_

* * *

i have to confess, my dear

(oh, how many times have i done that so far?)

i may have judged you a bit unfairly

i was afraid, you see

i was raised on rumors and cautionary tales

snakes in the grass and fear in my heart

what is an angel to do, other than as he is told?

is it just that, or is there something more?

the strangest thing happened the other day

now, my hearing is far from perfect

(an angel with flaws

is that even possible?)

but i swear, dear

i heard a nightingale singing in berkeley square

now, how about that?

though i suppose you might already know about it

it seemed to be a noteworthy thing, after all our exertions

i have to wonder,

should the earth move for beings like us too?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the perspective switches every other chapter; this one is aziraphale's.


	5. there's a light in your heart (and i hope it never goes out, dear)

_ “this isn’t- i shouldn’t be doing this with-” _

_ “shh shh, hey now… come on, my angel. just fall for me.” _

_ “...i...” _

_ “no tricks, no strings. just us, like before. it’s the way it should be, and we both know it, dear.” _

_ “...i, oh crowley... oh, okay my dear.” _

* * *

 

i think we’ve been spending too much time with humans

though we don’t really have anyone else to spend our time with, do we?

if i’m being honest,

(demons rarely are but just bear with me here, angel)

the thought of spending time with anyone else

(or you spending time with anyone else, really)

i don’t know how to feel about it when it crosses my mind

i don’t like thinking about it,

but sometimes you seem so happy and it makes me wonder

or worry

or something

it’s always been us here on this planet

(please, somebody, anybody, let there still be an “us” here)

i mean

it’s not every day i give someone my heart

(or any day, usually)

but i think, angel,

i think you’re the exception to all that

why let rules govern your heart, my dear?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we're back to crowley again, we're really doing the "switch perspectives every other chapter" thing it seems
> 
> on a different note, i'd like to thank everyone that's read and commented on this little thing! sometimes writing is really hard for me, but nice comments really inspire me to keep going and publish more of my works
> 
> your words mean a lot to me, i swear
> 
> (also, i'd like to give my utmost love to my system-mate aziraphale; he's been writing his own parts and i'm proud of him. he says hi to all of you by the way.)


	6. i say your name like a prayer every night (there's no one else for me to pray to any more)

_ “‘crowley, dear’? no, i can’t start it like that…” perhaps ‘my dear crowley’? no, not that either…” _

_ “angel?” _

_ “yes, dear?” _

_ “i… never mind, it’s nothing. go back to whatever it is you’re doing. what  _ _ are _ _ you doing, anyway?” _

_ “nothing too important, just drafting up a letter.” _

_ “i’ll leave you to it, angel.” _

_ “alright then, i’ll be done in a bit.” _

_ “...” _

_ “oh, why must my feelings be so difficult to put on paper? ...what am i even doing? this isn’t part of the plan, is it? how do i even know if he shares my feelings? what do i do?” _

* * *

angels should avoid temptation

angels are pure, wonderful, beautiful

angels do not sin

and angels do not, under any circumstances whatsoever, fall in love with demons

(they don’t fall for anyone, but that is beside the point

the point is

i should not love him

but i think i do anyway)

angels do not give their hearts to demons

but i think i know, deep down inside,

there is goodness in him

there is goodness in his heart

and on the subject of hearts…

oh, my heart is torn between two loves and i cannot tell what i am allowed to do

he is temptation but he is my greatest love and i don’t know how to feel

(or what to feel, though i adore him; that is a plain and simple fact)

is this part of the ineffable plan i’ve been told about?

i don’t want to be a pawn in some great cosmic game of chess

~~(i want to spend the rest of my time with him)~~

i want my time to be spent somewhere else on someone worthwhile

but somehow,

i don’t think i have any say in any of this

this is the plan, ineffable as always

and he and i must obey the plan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (( to the one who has my heart: thank you for being so careful with it; i'll be just as careful with yours -aziraphale ))


	7. everything we are vs. everything we could be (that remains unspoken)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the chapter in which crowley admits that hey, maybe he kinda likes aziraphale (and even signs it as if he were writing a letter)

_“what are we doing, crowley?”_

_“can i be honest with you?”_

_“i would hope you would be.”_

_“...i have no idea what the plan is now. i haven’t had a good plan for a while now.”_

_"oh…”_

_“why? did you have any ideas?”_

_“in terms of the ineffable plan or just in general for us?”_

_“i’d like to avoid discussing the ineffable plan for a while.”_

_“i was thinking you could… no, i couldn’t ask that of you.”_

_“no, go ahead. ask away, angel.”_

_“well, since i don’t exactly have a place to stay since ‘the day that never was’, as i choose to call it, could i perhaps…”_

_“stay with me? of course angel, if you don’t mind all the plants and, you know, living with a demon and all that.”_

_“i don’t think there’s anyone i’d rather live with, if i may be honest with you.”_

_“are angels even capable of lying?”_

_“we aren’t supposed to, but we can if we really, really try. not that it makes much of a difference in the end.”_

_“story of our lives right there, my dear.”_

 

* * *

my dear angel,

 

why do we have to keep dancing around this?

i know, i know

feelings are difficult and it’s hard to get the words out of your head

i know what it is to hide feelings,

(how hard it is, how it eats one up inside)

i’ve been doing it for thousands of years

and it never really gets easier, you know

but proximity does wonders for the heart

and considering that i’ve spent so long with you already,

perhaps spending more time with you wouldn’t be so bad

(though i have to note: while absence makes the heart grow fonder,

closeness ties the tongue in knots

but i’ve found alcohol does wonders to undo those knots, albeit at the most inconvenient times)

after the millennia we’ve spent on earth

are we really going to spend the next several millennia avoiding our feelings?

are either of us sure we can do that?

 

yours ~~(until hell freezes over)~~ ,

-crowley

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter 7? here early because of the encouragement we've received in comments? maybe so
> 
> also, letters are absolutely a thing between these two, i would know
> 
> -crowley
> 
> (p.s. the intro italics are long, i was inspired and have only one regret about the length of it compared to the actual piece, but that's the only regret i have)


	8. i’m yours ‘til the earth starts to crumble and the heavens roll away (i’m yours, my love)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which crowley needs to learn not to leave his letters lying about if he wants to hide his feelings better

_ “aziraphale! oh, please be okay, please, for go- for sa- for  _ _ somebody _ _ ’s sake, he better be okay…” _

_ “crowley? crowley! there you are dearest, i saw what happened and i was so scared-” _

_ “hey, i’m okay, i’m okay, don’t worry about me. what about you? are you alright? i can’t help but worry about you, angel…” _

_ “hey, i am  _ _ fine _ _ crowley. though it’s sweet that you care so much. ...i’m sorry about your apartment, i really am.” _

_ “i’m sorry about your books. again.” _

_ “the books are merely material, dear.  _ _ you _ _ , however, are not.” _

_ “i… oh angel…” _

_ “i love you, crowley. i truly do. the... the thought of something happening to you would ruin me, i think.” _

* * *

crowley dearest,

dancing?

well i suppose that’s one way to put it

you know me far too well

(though not in the  ~~ biblical ~~ sense, my dear)

 

hope carries an angel through far too much nowadays

through hate,

through fear,

through war,

(even through unexpected feelings, perhaps?)

sometimes, my dear,

i cannot believe that it was us that ended up on this planet together

i would say that

the two of us are very lucky to have each other

~~ (if you would have me, that is, my dear?) ~~

 

yours ever faithful

-your angel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (( i have found that letters help express what a verbal conversation sometimes cannot; alcohol does the same thing, though not as prettily -aziraphale ))


	9. how dare i dream of a life without you (that would be no life at all, dear)

_ "you couldn’t save him, angel.” _

_ “i could have tried though.” _

_ “this would have happened whether you’d tried to help him or not. it’s the whole ‘free will’ thing and all that.” _

_ “...” _

_ “i’m sorry about him, angel, believe me. but if a human really wants to do something, you can’t stop them from doing it." _

_ “...i know.” _

_ “come here, angel. i do love you, you know.” _

* * *

 

we wield our hearts like weapons

and expect them to defend us

but one can only be so strong for so long

and one can only conceal their thoughts for so long

until it feels like you’re going to burst from the weight of your secrets

(they weigh more than you’d think, my dear)

and neither the rest of the angels above

nor the rest of hell’s forces below

could ever dissever our hearts

or ever untwine our souls

 

to my angel,

letters are not my strong suit

as you know by now

(you’d think thousands of years of experience would help me out

you would be thinking wrong there)

but i want you to know that you cannot save everyone on this planet

and that’s okay, my dear

because i love you no matter what

i have fallen twice in my time here

once with him (when i was sent below)

and once for you (when we stood together at the end of the world)

maybe this is all part of the ineffable plan

maybe it’s supposed to be us

(we really can’t escape the great ineffable plan, can we?)

i question that plan a lot

(mostly because the plan is stupid to me, but then again we chose our sides long ago)

 

i write this like you’ll read it

(though you found the other one somehow)

this was supposed to help me settle my thoughts

but it’s only confirmed what i think we both already knew

 

and i would hope i know someone after spending thousands of years with them

(and surviving that day-we-dare-not-speak-of)

and “dancing” is absolutely how i’m putting it

it’s all too fitting for the way we’ve grown so close

 

take care of yourself, love

-crowley

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> why can't either of these two just... talk to each other for once
> 
> it would make all this a lot easier
> 
> instead they just write letters, leave them laying around (or stick them on the fridge in aziraphale's case), and then act surprised when a response shows up a day or so later
> 
> why are they both like this


	10. the things you love may kill you one day (though i promised you i’d never try it)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (( in which i remind crowley that he is absolutely worth the possibility of going through the worst punishments heaven can offer, because self-worth and self-esteem aren't exactly easy to come by sometimes -aziraphale ))

_ “ _ _ the universe is big, it's vast and complicated, and ridiculous. and sometimes, very rarely, impossible things just happen and we call them miracles. _ _ ” -- doctor who, ‘the pandorica opens’ _

_ “ _ _ one may tolerate a world of demons for the sake of an angel. _ _ ” -- doctor who, ‘girl in the fireplace’ _

_ // _

_ “you know… you know what i think, crowley? we wear our hearts on our sleeves and use them as shields, but it doesn’t… it doesn’t work.” _

_ “it sounds… sounds like you’re speaking from experience there, angel.” _

_ “mm… maybe i am and maybe i am  _ _ not _ _. you just.. you just don’t know.” _

_ “i do though, angel; you’ve never told a lie in all the years i’ve known you.” _

* * *

my dear crowley

 

if i may be honest,

(though i have never been anything but, i think)

you are truly something incredible

i have let my past learning cloud my judgement of you for so long

(six thousand years of black-and-white thinking, and it took an almost-apocalypse to change my mind)

angels are taught so much and so little all at once

and for everything i have ever assumed about you,

i am so sorry

it is not my right to pass judgement on you

(or anyone else, for that matter)

 

i think i always knew,

deep down inside,

that there was a spark of goodness in you

i told you that on the day that no one speaks of

and i will tell you again

i will tell you every day if i need to

you are worth it

and you are worth so much more than the hell we’ve experienced

 

forever yours

-your angel

 

(p.s. this wasn't meant to be a letter, but one must run with whatever life gives you sometimes)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fun fact: this chapter was actually written after chapter 11
> 
> (aziraphale couldn't figure out how to make it flow into my next chapter)
> 
> sorry for the delay everyone! expect a double update today since chapter 11 is already done!
> 
> and as always, thank you for your support! it really means a lot to us


	11. my prayers mean nothing to anyone above or below any more (i don’t think they ever did anyway)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> aziraphale means so much to crowley, and sometimes he feels so unworthy of an angel's love
> 
> but he loves him anyway, and for that crowley is eternally indebted to him

_ “why do you think i don’t care about you, crowley?” _

_ “because you shouldn’t, angel; you aren’t supposed to give a damn about something like me.” _

_ “what in god’s name do you mean by ‘something’?” _

_ “that’s what we are in the end, just things,  _ _ pawns _ _.” _

_ “crowley, dear…” _

_ “i’m gonna go get some air, or take a walk, or… do something that will get me out of here for a while. i don’t know when i’ll be back, so i wouldn’t bother staying up late to wait for me.” _

* * *

i was an angel once, like you

but then i made my choice

(the wrong choice)

and if i hadn’t chosen to leave

then none of this would be taboo

and i could love you the way you deserve

and you could love me without fear

 

because there is no such thing as wrong when you’re on the same side as the person you love

this would not be a problem if i was still up there with you

but i had to fall

and in plummeting from grace i became unworthy of your love

i fell from heaven

(but somehow not your heart

and i am thankful every day for that)

 

but how dare i think i’ll ever be worthy of the love you give me

angels aren’t supposed to love monsters like me after all

(plan or no plan, plans mean nothing to me now

i mean, you still wake up with a would-be martyr in your bed every day don’t you?)

i still question the choices i’ve made before, every day of my existence

but you, but us…

never you, never us

i could never question our arrangement

i would never question what we have together

 

though i do have to wonder sometimes,

what part do we play in the here and now?

how do we define us?

(will i ever see myself as your equal someday?)

(somehow i doubt i’ll ever get answers to any of those questions

oh well)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wrote this immediately after i finished chapter 9 (and right in the middle of a major depressive swing too)
> 
> i count myself as very lucky because of the people i spend my time with (or share a system with, in my angel's case)
> 
> here's to cancelling the apocalypse, and as promised, here's the other half of today's double update
> 
> -crowley


	12. oh lover, can i get another amen? (i want to mean something to you, so swear to god, swear to god above that i do)

_“crowley,_ _dear_ _\--”_

_“come on angel, shift your hips up a bit. there you go, just like that.”_

_“i- oh,_ _there_ _!”_

_“found it.”_

_“oh, do that again,_ _please_ _crowley-!”_

_“gonna keep saying my name like that, angel?”_

_“if you keep doing that, both above and below will hear your name- please dear,_ _there_ _!”_

_“as you wish, aziraphale.”_

 

* * *

oh my love,

whoever told you you weren’t worthy was lying to you

you had my heart from the day we first met

(no temptation required, dear)

i have known you for over six thousand years now

(but i’ve never truly known you until recently)

and i may be right, or i may be wrong,

but i am perfectly willing to swear

that your company

(and the keeping of it)

means more to me than any plans that been laid out

 

do not apologize for loving me

you have broken no rules, committed no crime

(minus stealing my heart, but i stole yours so i think we’re even there)

this is no error, do not fear

(this reminds me, dear

i found this lovely little cottage in south downs

i was thinking,

perhaps you would like to share it with me?)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (( this is aziraphale here with a reminder that the italics are more of a stand-alone thing and not necessarily connected to the rest of that chapter; also, this is the only chapter that crowley did not proofread in any way, he gave it a skim for obvious errors but that was it ))


	13. dear, my feet have led me straight into my grave (oh but in the end, you were my beginning)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which crowley contemplates the end of the world (or lack thereof)

_“do you ever wonder if that whole ‘stopping the apocalypse’ thing was actually part of the plan?”_

_“mm, maybe once or twice; why do you ask, dear?”_

_“call it curiosity. maybe it was part of that whole ‘free-will’ thing that humans have. or maybe it_ _was_ _part of the plan. but then, even if it was part of the plan… do you think it was the Right thing for those kids to do? i mean, something being part of the plan doesn’t make it Right or Wrong, it just makes it part of the plan.”_

_“i don’t know if we’ll ever know the answer, crowley. that’s the whole thing about an ineffable plan; it’s, well, ineffable. Right, Wrong, planned, unplanned, it still happened.”_

_“i guess you’re Right there, angel. i just hope that if those kids_ _were_ _wrong, they were Wrong in the right way.”_

_“i hope so too.”_

 

* * *

what do you do with days you weren’t supposed to have?

when one expects the world to end, the future doesn’t usually make it into any plans

(one’s status as theoretically immortal notwithstanding)

 

what i’m trying to say here is,

how much time do we really have in the end?

(oh, had we but world enough and time, angel)

to go from borrowed days to borrowed years…

...well, the alternative is a regretful existence for one of us

(or a hellish one, depending on who wins;

i know what awaits me down below

and a pyrrhic victory will be no victory at all)

 

i might be overthinking this a bit

but six thousand millennia of build-up to a nonexistent ending…

it just seems a bit anticlimactic, wouldn’t you agree?

it almost makes you wonder what exactly the plan was

and how the subverted apocalypse fits in with it all

the boy wasn’t supposed to say no

though he grew up without influence from either side, so who's to say what could have happened

 

to be neither wholly good nor wholly evil, but perfectly human

what do you think that’s like, angel?

how different do you think we would be then?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the original version of this chapter is so different oof  
> i reread it and i immediately went "i can't post this, it's too melodramatic"  
> so i rewrote it and i like this version a lot better  
> there are some bits from the original draft but they've been heavily rewritten (and it's only 1-2 lines anyway)


	14. we are all connected by design (it’s the reason why your heart met mine)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which aziraphale is still questioning whether any of this is allowed (and maybe whether he really cares in the end)

_ “ _ _ so _ _ , angel. i think, after everything that’s transpired over the past week, there’s a very important question that neither of us has asked.” _

_ “oh? is there, dear?” _

_ “there is.” _

_ “then, crowley, what is this very important question?” _

_ “what are we doing with the extra time we’ve bought ourselves?” _

_ “that…  _ _ is _ _ a good question, though i don’t think i’d describe this time as ‘bought’ necessarily.” _

_ “however we’re phrasing it, the fact remains that this is time we weren’t supposed to have, and we now have it. so, how are we going to spend it?” _

* * *

 

my dear,

i have to say, of all the gambits you and i have pulled,

i can’t believe our last one actually worked

(but who are we to say that it wasn’t part of the plan?)

i’m not so certain about ineffability at this point

but some of this is too perfect to not be at least partially planned

 

let’s not waste our extra time now

who knows how much of it we actually have

(though i wouldn’t call it “borrowed” per se

perhaps it could be considered an extension

or an unexpected blessing?)

 

when you have six thousand years under your belt

you figure some things can wait until tomorrow

(or, in a presumably isolated case,

you just can’t seem to bring yourself to bring it up with someone

even if that thing is really important and you probably should do it because it concerns you and him

and everything you’ve stood for over the past six millennia)

 

count your blessings when you can, dear

you never know when you’ll lose them

(but god forbid i ever run the risk of losing you

i don’t know what i would do then)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we probably said that this chapter was supposed to be out by now  
> in that case, whoops  
> better late than never though  
> here's a secret:
> 
> chapters 15 and 16 will be connected, the same event from two perspectives  
> that, and a bit of future speculation too  
> -zira


	15. just stop your crying (it’s a sign of the times)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which a little communication would go a long way (but that seems like too much effort for some people sometimes)  
> or, in which no one learns from the mistakes of sitcom characters

_ “is this just part of our Arrangement?” _

_ “is what part of our Arrangement?” _

_ “you know,  _ _ this _ _. whatever it is going on between us. whatever we’re calling it.” _

_ “...oh. that.” _

_ “yeah,  _ _ that _ _.” _

_ “i… i don’t know dear, i wasn’t aware we were calling it anything.” _

_ “...you weren’t aware.” _

_ “i really wasn’t, i swear!” _

_ “no, no, i figured as much.” _

_ “do we want to call it anything?” _

_ “that’s not my main concern right now. what i  _ _ am _ _ concerned about, angel, is the idea that you only care about me because of our little Arrangement.” _

_ “why would you  _ _ ever _ _ think that’s true??” _

_ “because why else would an angel love a creature like me?” _

 

* * *

i know we’ve been here before

(is this all that we know?)

when they told us that the end was near

we said we’d get away from here

…

you know, as good as i am with words

(though that isn’t always a sure thing sometimes)

i can’t dress this up and make it look pretty any more

poetry isn’t a substitute for a connection i question more and more every day

...

what the hell are we doing, angel?

do i mean anything to you outside of our arrangement?

or am i just a designated adversary for you to thwart and be thwarted by?

(am i just living out a memory of a love that’s died?)

…

i knew that falling for an angel was going to lead to problems in the future

but i had no idea how soon the future would get here

(but that’s how it goes doesn’t it? after all,

pride always comes before the fall)

…

…

(i’d ask if this is usually how it goes when the world doesn’t end when it should, but that implies that any of this was planned to begin with

perhaps this whole thing was just built on nothing but falsehoods

or perhaps there’s no actual reason for anything to happen and all of this melodrama is for nothing

you never really know any more)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter 16 will be zira's POV (which means he has the easier job, to a point at least)
> 
> -crowley


	16. stop your crying, baby (it’ll be alright)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> by all means, speak your mind  
> or, in which hubris can be the downfall of anyone, even an angel  
> -  
> (chapter 15, but from zira's perspective)

_“do we want to call it anything?”_

_“that’s not my main concern right now. what i_ _am_ _concerned about, angel, is the idea that you only care about me because of our little Arrangement.”_

 _“why would you_ _ever_ _think that’s true??”_

_“because why else would an angel love a creature like me?”_

_“crowley, don’t-!”_

_“you talk about love like there’s no way i could understand it. i get it, i’m a demon, i only know how to do Wrong on this planet. it’s all part of that stupid Plan.”_

_“can you blame me for only knowing what i was taught? for only doing what i was told to do?”_

_“...for only doing what you were told. then tell me angel, what_ _were_ _you told to do? did they tell you to love me? was that it?”_

* * *

heaven tells one a lot of things over six millennia

(and i mean it when i say ‘a lot’)

but they never told me how to prepare for something like this

to prepare for the sinking feeling in my heart right now

(to prepare for anything involving a demon that _wasn’t_ the apocalypse)

and i know we don’t have free will

and i know there’s only so much room for error in the grand scheme of things

(well, we can only assume there is, at least)

 

but this is not an error

 _we_ are not an error

darling, i stood by your side when we thought the world was ending

(on a day that should have ended differently, of all days to remember)

i told you then that i had known, deep down inside, that there _was_ goodness in you

and i am not wrong, not this time

oh, but what do i have to do to make you believe me?

to make you know that you are worth so much more than you think you are?

we both know what our fates are (or should be)

and we both know that neither of us would stop fighting,

even for a moment,

if we thought we could save each other

 

because plans can be rewritten

and i will not let another second pass by without letting you know that you are worth the end of the world

(that i’ve loved you from the start,

that you’re a living work of art)

that you are loved beyond belief

that there is always room for you in my heart and in my life

and i am sorry if i have ever made you feel otherwise

please believe me there, dear

please

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> writer's block is real and it hit hard here  
> chapter 17 will be more of a conversational piece (and more of a joint effort)  
> as always, thank you for reading!  
> -zira


End file.
